Ng Yew Eng is a person who is extremely easy to spot in a crowd, even for short people (like me). He towers about a head above the normal height level and wears the most outrageously coloured Crocs anyone has ever seen. Not to mention he has puffy, curly hair and he always seems to be on the prowl to hand out star jump punishments to unsuspecting, innocent people.

We skip the formalities because we know each other well enough. He sits at the canteen table, chewing his mentos spearmint gum and smiles winningly at everyone who says, ‘Hi, Yew Eng’ while passing by the canteen table.

Alexis: So Yew Eng, tell me about yourself.

Yew Eng: Wait a minute, I need to think.
(He takes quite some time to think of a reply.)

Yew Eng: Err, hi! What do I think about myself? Well, I’m a sports teacher here at Cempaka Damansara. Most people think I’m intimidating. Truth be told, I’m really a nice person, so hopefully all the students who are reading this will come to realise that I’m actually a very nice person and I’m not fierce at all. You can come and approach me anytime you want, ask me any question, anytime. I’m more than willing to help you. (Cheesy grin)

Alexis: (laughs) Okay, so how do you feel knowing that you were chosen to be interviewed for the Lumen Studet because of the fact that you are popular?

Yew Eng: My head got even bigger (pause) than it was before.
(People around the canteen table laugh)

Alexis: Oh, yeah. People want to know why you wear those bright purple and red Speedos when you go swimming.

Yew Eng: I’m sure some people would have noticed that I’m very bright with my colours.

Alexis: Uh, yes.

Yew Eng: Firstly, with my Crocs being so contrasting – yellow and turquoise...I don’t want to wear boring black swimming trunks. So I hunt around for colourful swimming trunks. I’ve been trying to find one that is yellow, because I used to be in Helang, but I can’t find a yellow one.

Alexis: Another random question. Why is your hair so puffy?

Yew Eng: Uh...I have no idea why. I actually used to have long, straight hair that was parted at the centre. (Note to readers: If you can’t imagine Yew Eng like this, check out his Facebook profile, and laugh yourselves to death.) You can look at my kid pictures, they’re all like that, but I cut it really short once, and it grew back like this. Now it can’t be controlled. (Shakes head.) My mum has wavy, curly hair, so I guess that’s where it comes from.

Alexis: How does it feel to teach all these people who were previously schoolmates?

Yew Eng: I really like it, because it’s a new level of respect that you get from them. I had respect previously, as a student, being bigger (taller) than them, then when I became a prefect I was given a bit more responsibility, and people were a little bit more ‘afraid’ and gave me a bit more respect. Especially now that I’m a teacher, you get a different perspective of things.

Alexis: People think you’re scary.

Yew Eng: Like I said, a lot of people think I’m scary – I don’t know why.
(People around the canteen table: Maybe it’s because you’re tall, big and scary.)

Yew Eng: Judah is (Judah Chew of 3 Cempaka) big. He’s not scary.

Alexis: (Coughs) What is with you and star jumps?

Yew Eng: Right now, it’s my favourite kind of punishment. When I think of something nicer, I’ll implement it. I was thinking push-ups, but some people can’t do push-ups properly. Star jumps are embarrassing enough. Ear squats would be another option. Oh, did you see? I made Boon Hoe’s team do star jumps and they were in their swimming trunks. (Then he says something very mean.)

Alexis: That’s so mean! I thought you said you were nice.

Yew Eng: Nice doesn’t mean I can’t be sadistic. Just a little bit.

Alexis: So, basic information about yourself.

Yew Eng: I enjoy sports a lot. I find myself to be very straight to the point – I won’t beat around the bush if I want to tell people something. If you’re ugly, I’ll say you’re ugly. If I don’t like you, I’ll say I don’t like you. Yeah. I’m 17, my birthday’s in January (23 January 1991 to be exact) and I’m an Aquarius. (Pause.) I have pretty blue eyes and long blond hair. I enjoy long walks at the beach...candlelight dinners....
(People around the canteen table: No, you do not!)

Yew Eng: Oh yeah, and I’m supposed to be in Form 5 this year but I joined Cempaka a year earlier. That’s why I’m in the Class of 2007 when I’m supposed to be in the Class of 2008.

Alexis: You’re six feet, right?

Yew Eng: No, I’m 6 foot 1 or 185 centimetres. I’m 85 kilos and that would mean I’m bordering obese.

Alexis: But you’re tall for your age.

Yew Eng: Okay, maybe not obese. About normal I guess. I’m normal. (Grins) You know why I think I’m tall? I have two theories on why I am tall. This is what I tell people when they ask. How am I supposed to answer the question “Why are you so tall?” Imagine if someone goes up to you and asks, “Why are you so tall?” I don’t know how you answer that, so I give them a really sarcastic answer.

Answer 1: When I was really young, and when I was naughty, my mum would tie my legs to the fan – the ceiling fan, and turn it on full blast. I was always very naughty, so that’s why I’m so tall now. My legs are long because of that.
Answer 2: Because of competition. All the guys in my form were really, really tall. So I reckon that growing up with them made me feel a bit inferior (sits up) so I needed to grow taller. My body naturally needed to become bigger.

The second answer is actually what I believe, though. (Grins)

Alexis: You also help out in other things besides sports, right?

Yew Eng: Most recently I’ve been helping out the Third Formers with their KH projects...I really enjoy hammering things...and sawing things into half. I don’t know why. It’s a bit scary, but...yeah. Possibly part of my sadism. Puan Nura (Puan Nur Rashidah) and Encik Ali actually asked me to become the Form 1 KH teacher because apparently the teacher who was teaching Form 1 left and now they’re really packed up with extra classes. Puan Nura was like: “Why don’t we suggest Yew Eng as a substitute teacher?” (Pause.) It would be funny, seeing me teaching Form 1 kids.

Alexis: How well do you work with Andrew?

Yew Eng: I think I work really well with Andrew, because we used to work together a lot last year as seniors, and in the handball team. I really enjoy working with him. Having one of your close friends as your colleague is the best working experience ever.

Alexis: What are your hopes and dreams for the future?

Yew Eng: Well, my hope for the near future is to get accepted for the MAS cadet pilot scholarship and become a pilot. (Pause) My distant future...I want to retire happy...marry the love of my life...and have long walks at the beach, and candlelight dinners every night. (Laughs) I’m probably going to retire in Sabah, because I really like it there.

Alexis: So would you say you are romantic? I thought you were sadistic. And if you have dinner by candlelight every night, you’re going to need glasses.

Yew Eng: I’m sadistically romantic.

Alexis: Imagine what you would give your wife for Valentine’s Day.

Yew Eng: I don’t de-thorn the roses. (Laughs maniacally)

Alexis: That is so disturbing.

Yew Eng: I know.

The interview ends with him sitting there with a very smug, ego-stroked look on his face. I look forward to seeing his expression when he reads this interview.