I sat by the window watching the clouds shifting their shapes in the ocean blue sky. Pretty. If only life was as pretty as that. I continued staring intently, gripping my pen harder and harder. Sweat began dripping down from my forehead. Tears welled up in my eyes. Life is hard. Life is unfair. It was ironic as the radio suddenly boomed with the song “Wonderful Life”. I did not even realise that the radio was on. The quiet room was suddenly filled with the sudden outburst of the happy song. I stood up and threw the music box on to the floor. Klank! It broke into a million tiny pieces. The room turned quiet again. The silence was creepy and made my hair stand.

I stepped over the remnants of the pathetic looking “radio” and headed for the door. Some wine would calm my nerves down. The doctor already told me that I should not be drinking under this condition. The thing is… I did not care anymore. I just wanted to end this torture. I had suffered for 10 years. Just a few more months before my time was up.

“Cancer”, the doctor had told me grimly. That word was forever stuck in my head. Echoes of the doctor’s voice could be heard in my empty mind. I was only 25 years old. I remembered turning numb. I understood then, the popular saying, ‘words are sharper than knives’. It was true. My heart was bleeding. It would never heal ever again. Like how I would never heal from this disease.

I went into my bedroom and took out a black notebook from the drawer. It was neatly tied with a red ribbon. I undid the ribbon and flipped to a fresh new page. With the same pen that I was gripping, words began pouring out onto the yellow page.

25 May 2008

Hello there again, my darling Audrey.

If I’m not mistaken you are now five months old. Why, time sure passed by quickly! I can’t wait to see you grow up. But then again, I don’t have the chance to. Always remember that I’ll be watching you. When you are sad I’ll be in your heart to console you. When you are happy I’ll be in your smile. When you are making choices, I’ll be in your mind. Never think that you are alone. Your mother will always be with you.

Today I was looking up to the sky. Guess what I saw? Haha. I saw you. And you were smiling. And then the clouds changed into a beautiful horse. The horse looked as if it was flying in the ocean blue sky. It was beautiful. Well, I’ve got to go now. I shall write more next month.

Remember this: I love you. Always and forever.

Ps: Look into my drawer when you turn twenty-one. Don’t peek!

I tied the red ribbon again and put the diary slowly into a drawer. In there was the most beautiful heart-shaped locket I could ever have laid my eyes on. Perfect for my beautiful daughter. There was a picture of Audrey and I in it. I looked tired and pale. It was a miracle that Audrey was a healthy baby seeing that I gave birth to her when I was having cancer. I trusted Ian to take care of her well. They were currently living together with Ian’s mom for the summer. They should be back tomorrow. I was too sick to go. And I could not bear telling anyone about me. I did not want them to see me differently before I go.

25 June 08

My my, time doesn’t fly does it? Time jets.

Six months now. I know you would not remember your moments now when you grow up. Because of that, I have specially included some pictures of your first walk and first steps in the drawer. I hope you will always remember me too.

Did you know that your first words were Mama? I shall always remember it. It made my broken heart finally smile. You are going to be one beautiful lady when you grow up. Always be rational and kind. Beauty on the outside is nothing compared to the beauty on the inside of you.

Please smile always. I would hate to see you cry. Be tough and patient. Life is never fair.

I’ll miss you, love.

I coughed and wheezed after I wrote that entry. I knew death was near. I got up and ate some pills. My daily diet. Ian heard me and the look on his face was something I did not want to see. He looked like he was in pain. I smiled at him but I think both of us knew that the smile showed no happiness. He hugged me tightly as I cried on his shoulders.

25 July 08

Audrey Charlene Brown.

Seven months old.

You look prettier every single day. You’ve kept me going until this very day.
I am right now in the ward. Your dad is in so much pain. I hope you will heal his broken heart. Put that smile back on his face. It’s harder to breathe now. I feel weaker too. We seem so weak in this big world. But don’t be afraid of the world. Show the world what Audrey Charlene Brown holds.
I coughed and my writing was in scribbles now. They weren’t as dark as before. I almost had no energy. I just wanted to close my eyes. And fade into the darkness. But I held on.
Honey, I’m afraid it’s time for me to go up into the sky. Into the beautiful clouds and sky. Don’t be afraid. Don’t cry for me. My last request for you is to smile and be brave.

I love you. You always know that.

Love, your mother.

As soon as I finished writing, I dropped the pen from my weak grip and my head fell back to the pillow. I smiled one last time at Ian and my baby Audrey.

The beautiful red headed woman bent over and opened the drawer. She was slim and elegant. Her face was sharp and her eyes were of a muddy brown. They matched her name after all. Audrey Brown. She picked up the diary and touched the cover with her long delicate fingers. She smiled. She didn’t cry. Because she knew what her mother had wanted. With the heart locket in her palm, she looked up in the sky. And saw the beautiful horse her mother had seen 25 years ago.